I grew up?? Why?

Who would of ever thought I, Gia, would grow up?? Why?? What did I do to deserve that? Growing up sucks, so does losing all your friends in the process. First, I had a hard time in elementary school, being the odd ball that has no color coordination, then through my grueling years of middle school, followed by the most embarrassing time period of my life. I chose my friends carefully, being sure to keep a wide selection of quirkiness, with a truckload of understanding, yet, at the end of the day, after having children, it really just boils down to the politics of honesty regarding parenting and marriage. You have a perfect marriage, you say? I'm sorry, but that automatically disqualifies you from being my friend. Your children are always well-behaved and respectful? I apologize, but that is a sole deal-breaker for friendship with me. As adults, we have our own cliques, using loyalty (and honesty) as pinkie-swears, but what am I left with? Friends that I used to relate to, 2 years ago? Friends that don't understand me now? I am faced with a very hard decision, to conform or not conform, I am just too tired and mature to conform now. I accept myself now (after 32 years), why bother making others accept me?

I Cave

Fine, I cave. I cannot change the world. I cannot make it more tolerant of the "little people," nor can i make it be less judgemental. I cave. Let this stand as my declaration, "I cave." I'm tired, I am overworked, over-parented, high-strung, and at this point a little past the legal limit of "drunk" and yes, at this point, the martyr. Yes, this is all referring to FB. FB, the social media that causes censorship of us, us over-analytical, think-outside-the-box thinkers. Some people do not appreciate my sharing of day-to-day things, in fact, some consider it annoying, so again, I CAVE. I deactivated my FB account and am punishing the blogging effect in my efforts. I will not withhold my thoughts, (as long i get to share them on blogging vs. FB). I realize its choosing one poison over the other, but quite frankly, blogging will not judge me, (only because I do not have any followers). I will sleep tight tonight.

Fell, finally got back up...

So yes, its been a looooooooong while. Last year was a great year, weight wise. I got down to 213 at an approximate size of 16 (i had gotten back up to a size 24). But in the general life department, not good. Actually, it sucked. A mental breakdown later, I am doing TONS better. Ill blame that on post-partem. But this blog is not about my mental health (or lack-thereof), its about my weight battle, which has been on the back burner, yet, a constant bitter reminder.
I actually signed up for Weight Watchers, here, at my job, I went to the first meeting, and never returned. I know how WW works, the counting points is tedious and annoying, but shit, nothing else is working. I tried taking diet pills but the tremors in my hands were a bit of annoying when I had to write something or hand something to someone. It looked like i had Partkinsens! Add the feeling of having a heart attack, the sideeffects were not worth it to me. So, that leaves WW, to finally learn how to change my eating lifestyle and do it the healthy correct way. No, im not happy about it. but shit, i need to do something about it. This morning, i got the nerve to step on the scale again. before i stepped on, i mentally prepared for the worst. I said to myself "if it is over 246, i will kill myself and die" and the numbers slowly displayed.... 231. WOW! i was shocked! it wasnt as bad as i thought it was going to be! granted, i gained back 18 pounds, but its not 20+, like i originally thought! yeah me! I dont start WW till mondays first meeting, but im feeling so good about the weigh in today, i figured now is as good as time as ever to start trying to trim down the fatness. im drinking lots more water, and instead of engorging over breakfast, i just had a cornmeal. baby steps, little by little. I dont have a choice, I HAVE to do this. Its not a choice!

Hi My Name is Gia and I am Addicted to Food

I have come to the conclusion that I am totally addicted to food. I have a problem saying "no" to it. Yes, to most that this conclusion is obvious, but to me, it hit me like a train yesterday. I had made dinner, and the food was just horrid (although my husband was sweet enough to eat it). Although I would practically gag every time I put a forkful in my mouth, I could'nt stop eating it. Sad, is'nt it? Yes, I know, I know. I get so frusterated with myself that I get a great urge to sabatoge all my efforts and just eat a gallon of ice cream to punish myself for being fat. I have to constantly remind myself that food is just needed to live, not live to eat. I have to remind myself that I have made a commitment to eat healthier and stop gaining weight. I have to remind myself that if I don't stop gaining weight now, it will just bite me in the ass later. When will it stop??
I weighed myself this morning, and I am back up to 253.4. Perhaps that is water weight? I know I didnt drink my usual amount of water yesterday and possibly it was the extra calories that I kept shoving in my face of the disgusting food I cooked. Whatever it is, I believe that the scale will go back down. I have to believe in myself.

10 Down and Counting

I have this new addiction to weighing myself. I cant help myself. I will actually weigh myself several times a day and each time I do, I pray that its not too many pounds over what I weighed that morning. For example, if I weighed 255 in the morning, then I will pray that I don't weigh more than 257 in the evening. If I do, then that means I ate too much that day. Its psycho, I know. I cant help myself. Like I said, its an addiction. This weekend was pretty eventful. On Friday night, at last minute, I went to Big Fish (a local restaurant/bar) with my sister and two friends to celebrate a friend's birthday. Needless to say, I drank WAY more than I should have and got a bit tipsy (I think my Bronchitis meds counter-reacted to the cranberry and vodka) I'll include some pics below. I got very ill. Early Saturday morning we left on a one day cruise to the Bahamas with the family. I was VERY hung over from the night before so I had quite a few nauseous spells on the way there. Once in the Bahamas, my family and I had quite a great time! Its so nice to relax with the family. Sunday, I went to a bar-b-q with my best friend/sista-from-anotha-mutha Ivelka. Funny thing, a guy that is half my height and weight ended up hitting on me. It was very sweet, as he was very respectful and totally laid off the moment I told him I was married (obviously, he wasn't bothered by the fact that I was tugging two kids around). He is a Harley motorcycle guy and I told him that if I got on his bike, it would go flat. What I thought was funny is that when I mentioned this, he replied "you aren't fat, you are HEALTHY". Ummm, is he on drugs???? I'm not healthy! Far from it! I'm FAT! Nevertheless, thought it was funny. I was such a good girl in relation to food this entire weekend. On Friday, I only drank vodka and cranberry (vodka contains the a less amount of calories in comparison to other alcohol) and I ate like a normal person on the cruise (it sure helped that I was very nauseous). In the Bahamas, I ate a good portion of conch salad (it was delicious!!!! wish I could have some more!!) and ate fairly well at the bar-b-q. All in all, I have lost 10 pounds as I weighed in at 252.6 this morning. Remember: I had gone back up to 262 last weekend after all my uncontrollable bingeing.

Back down to 5 Pounds!

This week started off on the wrong foot, as I weighed in at 262. However, this morning, I am back down to 257.2. This is five pounds lost. Wow, what a difference watching what you eat really makes!
Yesterday, was my father's birthday and I was soooo worried about the birthday cake I was going to devour. What's worse, my mother called me and told me she cooked my favorite steak (bisteak, which is breaded and fried). How can I resist? Where did my mother learn these Chinese torture techniques? It's just not fair. So I did what was expected of me, I ate some bisteak, but in a "normal" quantity. I also served my son on my same plate so I would have to share my amount with him. As for the ice cream cake, I ate a "small" piece and actually threw a bite away! wow! Who the hell are you and what have you done with the REAL fatass Gia?? I was actually proud of myself.
On better news, I am trying to breastfeed my daughter again. I thought that the milk that I am still lactating would be rotten, but apparently not. According to La Leche League, the milk is still good and would be great if I started breastfeeding her again. At first, when I stuck the nipple in her mouth (sorry if there any men reading this) she looked at me with a quizistive look. But being the great baby that she is, she said "the hell with it" and went on to sucking. Shes so great. What is even better, I have layed off on the smoking. Yes, I know, I know, I shouldnt be smoking anyway. I am trying to stop. Perhaps the breastfeeding will also make me loose some calories (is it vain for me to think this way)?
On another topic, I took my son to the Pulmonologist today and got some news about his asthma. First off, I am to continue giving him two aerosol treatments a day and Cingular once a day. But they did an allergy test that has shown some funny results. Well, not funny, but funny in the sense that crap like this only happens to me. Based on the results of the allergy test, JJ is allergic to mold. Now, for the normal person, that would'nt be a problem---> just dont have him smell old, rotted, moldy trees. But for GIA, this means that the mattress that someone let us have, that got a little wet while in storage, that has mildew built up, that I tried cleaning with several products and vacuuming, ---> it has to go. So now what? I have to throw away his mattress and figure out where the money tree grows so I can pluck a couple of bills off of it (preferably the bills that have a guy named Benjamin) Nevertheless, somehow, someway, a new option will appear. Again, as always, wish me luck. Or should I say, "pray for us"?

I'm Trying

Well, I got back on the scale today. Back down to 260, that is still 7 pounds more than I had gotten down to, but hey, at least the scale is going down in my favor. I must admit that I ate like a pig yesterday, BUT, on healthy things. Yes, I know, the calories add up, but I'm trying. Doesn't that count for something?
I stopped smoking yesterday. I went back to breastfeeding my daughter and I need to be extra healthy to do so. Its a HUGE challenge (the quit smoking part) but well worth it. I have been smoking for 15 years, so quitting is something very difficult for me. However, going back to breastfeeding really means more to me. Last night I put Gianna back on my breast and she seemed confused at first, however, after a little bit, she started feeding like a pro! Shes such a great baby!
This morning, I ate the usual breakfast, egg whites with tomato and cheese and oatmeal. I brought my lunch which consists of SmartOnes frozen meal and carrots and celery to munch on with a tablespoon of ranch dressing. In case I still feel hungry, I have a weight watchers yogurt.
Today is my Dad's birthday and I'm worried about the cake they are going to have. I don't want to cheat on my diet. All my hard work for the day will go down the drain for a piece of cake. Not to mention that we catered a meeting for the our department and I KNOW there will be leftover breakfast. how can i resist that temptation???? I think I can, I think I can, I think I can! Toot, Toot!!